I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.
Thomas A. Edison
Do not judge me by my successes. Judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again.
Nelson Mandela
I think we build resilience to prepare for whatever adversity we’ll face. And we all face some adversity – we’re all living some form of Option B.
Sheryl Sandberg
The Merriam Webster Online Dictionary has the following to say about the word resilience: `In physics, resilience is the ability of an elastic material (such as rubber or animal tissue) to absorb energy (such as from a blow) and release that energy as it springs back to its original shape. The recovery that occurs in this phenomenon can be viewed as analogous to a person’s ability to bounce back after a jarring setback. The word resilience derives from the present participle of the Latin verb resilire, meaning „to jump back“ or „to recoil“.´
My life, probably like all lives, has been full of setbacks. In the early years, from childhood through to mid life, I struggled to deal with them in a manner that helped me mature and grow. Looking back, it is obvious to me that resignation became an early `ally´ in getting through my challenges. This `ally´ likes to tell me, even to this day, that `there is no point in even trying, that the cards are stacked against me, and that I should give in to my inclination to give up on my aspirations, which are probably not deserved in any case.´
Since my early forties, I have learned to identify this saboteur even before it kicks into action. I can even anticipate it, as in the example of deciding to breathe consciously while meditating. After even one minute, during which my mind has strayed far from my original intention, the judge inside me is yelling: `You can’t even do that right!´ and follows on with the statement that `all this mindfulness work is simply beyond me, a total waste of time.´
Now, equipped with an early warning system which has formed over the years, I can see it coming, and greet these inner injunctions with humour and loving-kindness, culminating with a soft: `Thank you, but no thank you´, and a reset, in deciding what next right thing needs to be done.
I currently spend time regularly working with people who are deeply challenged by the radical changes they need to undertake in their lives, if they are even to survive, not to mind heal, flourish, and reach their full human potential; addicts, whose affliction can be substance or behaviour related, or both, having hit bottom, who have suddenly recognised the urgent need to radically change many aspects of their lives.
Speaking from my own personal experience, the journey of recovery is facilitated by a combination of grace, discipline, practice, and the help of both professional mental health experts, and other addicts who have journeyed beyond the phase of early recovery, to live sober lives which are useful, happy, joyous, and free.
The shame, guilt, and self-loathing which usually shadow our entire being when we embark on such a transformation, need to be countered by our daily practice of self-care, estimable actions, and cultivation of the mind. This can represent an obstacle course full of setbacks, each one having the power to derail our growth, if we have not learned to deal with daemons such as resignation, taking the victim position, dishonesty, and self-pity.
The analogy of the toddler learning to walk is one I find most helpful, not least when we realise that that toddler today resides in each and every one of us. When we observe a child at around nine months, she has already learned to crawl and has begun to pull herself up into a standing position with the help of the legs of tables, chairs, etc. I can remember the smile of realisation on the faces of my own children as they discovered, in this amazing phase of rapid learning, each new skill as they were mastered. The ability, to pull oneself up to an upright position, the ability to briefly stand free on one’s own two feet before falling down again on one’s bum, and then the joy of taking those first steps, initially holding on to hands or some piece of furniture, and finally heading off across a room, possibly going from one loved one to another. Exciting times indeed!
During this is a process, which can take six months or more until mastery is achieved, and after which nothing below the one metre mark in any household is ever going to be safe for a long while, I have yet to encounter a child who, on experiencing any of the typical countless setbacks, lay on the floor and said to herself: `Damn this business of walking! I`m not up to this task. I give up. Let them carry me for the rest of my life.´
At times of desperation in early recovery, it is important to remember that this resilience resides deep down inside. If we could persevere and succeed against seemingly impossible odds then, we can do it again now. We must however muster and use all the resources available to us if we are to prevail.
In the `Dark Night of the Soul´ (La noche oscura del alma), a poem written by the 16th-century Spanish mystic and poet St. John of the Cross, a phenomenon is described whereby the darkest moment happens just before the dawn. We are encouraged to persevere despite the feelings of hopelessness and despair which may hold sway, in the trust that we will come through as children of the light. A phrase often used in Twelve Step circles is: `Don’t give up before the miracle happens´.
Here it can be helpful for us to look back on incidents earlier in our lives when we were convinced that all was lost, only to have experienced deliverance, and even gifts among the chaos of our struggles. Joseph Campbell, in his description of the hero’s journey in `The Hero with a Thousand Faces´, points out that we are given exactly those resources that we need, when we need them, for each challenge along our path. If we were to wait to accumulate all the resources up front, we would never begin the journey. If we trust the process and do our foot work, we are ultimately carried on a tide of grace to where we need to be.
The conscious recognition, the embracing and the ongoing cultivation of our innate resilience are important factors on our journeys of transformation.
