An addiction keeps us unaware of what is going on inside us. We do not have to deal with our anger, pain, depression, confusion, or even our joy and love, because we do not feel them, or we feel them only vaguely.
Anne Wilson Schaef: `When Society Becomes an Addict´
One of the greatest sins is the unlived life…..
If you live the life you love, you will receive shelter and blessings.
John O’Donohue: `Anam Cara´
I have learned that the first question to ask is not what is wrong with the addiction, but what is `right´ about it. What benefit is the person deriving from their habit? What does it do for them?
Gabor Maté: `The Myth of Normal´
Over recent months, many people have asked me about the name `SoberOasis´, wanting to know if my coaching services are principally targeted at alcoholics, junkies, and other substance addicts. As the answer is `no´, this essay intends to provide clarity by means of examining the prevalent misconceptions about addiction in our society, and the true meaning of `sobriety´, as I experience and understand it.
In my early forties, after twenty years in senior corporate management roles, it dawned on me that I had lost my way, and didn’t know whose life I had been trying to lead. It was a turning point which drew me onto a path of recovery that, to this day, continues to unfold, and provide important insights into human behaviour on both the personal and societal levels.
None of the insights described below are fundamentally new, of course. Human experience has been recorded for eons, with each new generation benefitting from and building on the experiences of those who have gone before. What has changed within our lifetime is the speed with which new discoveries are coming to light, the dots between disciplines such as depth psychology and neuroscience are being joined up, and the speed and range of the proliferation and further deliberation of such discoveries.
In his recently published book: `The Myth of Normal; Trauma, Illness & Healing in a Toxic Culture´, Dr Gabor Maté has dedicated several entire chapters to our current misconceptions, prejudices, and misunderstanding of the phenomenon of addiction. As a psychiatrist who has been actively involved in serving the homeless community of addicted men, women, and children in Vancouver over several decades, he is uniquely qualified set these right.
He begins by de-bunking two myths, still prevalent in society today; that addiction is primarily a product of `poor choices´, and, that it is a disease, in the sense of a genetic and/or physiological defect.
On the first point, we can see that `the war on drugs´, waged globally by `law & order’ governments for several decades now, has been a waste of considerable effort and the cause of much unintended suffering. Evidently, will power and punitive approaches do not work.
`The „bad choices´´ view of addiction´, writes Dr Maté, `- which, if we are honest amounts to little more than „It’s Your Own Damn Fault!´´ – is not only disastrously ineffective; it is utterly blind. I have never met anyone who, in any meaningful sense, ever `chose´ to become addicted….´
Secondly, the disease concept, as defined by medical science, while more compassionate than the blaming approach, has been largely discredited in practice. It separates mind from body, or more specifically brain from mind, seeing the brain in purely biochemical terms.
Biochemistry does play an important role in understanding addiction as what it really is, namely an adaptive process in response to the sometimes-painful predicaments of life. This key insight is discovered when we ask the counter-intuitive question: `What is right about addiction?´ rather than focusing on what is wrong. What does it do for the addict?
From my own experience, I can state unequivocally that it was a pain avoidance strategy that initially worked very well. Over time, however, – and here we can draw on the advances in neurochemistry, – my brain did suffer impairment in terms of impulse control, leading to a situation whereby active addiction was like; `digging myself into a hole; the deeper I dug, the less capable I was of recognising that I was in the hole´.
If the word disease is used, however, in the sense `dis-ease´, we can gain a new perspective. What if the addiction, – both substance and behavioural addictions (sex, porn, food, screen time, work addictions, consumerism, co-dependency, etc.) – served a purpose in terms of survival? What benefit am I deriving from my habit? What am I getting that I cannot otherwise access?
The following incident occurred within my first three months of recovery, my first period of total abstinence from alcohol and other drugs, after daily consumption for over twenty-five years. I had just entered the changing room of the sauna when a wave of emotions, – dread, fear, anxiety, and total alienation – stirred within. My body went into alarm station overdrive; hands sweating, stomach churning, hair standing up on my nape, and the only thought that came to me was: `Right now, I need to be on a different planet´.
I immediately recognised this as the typical trigger for opening a bottle or lighting a joint, and the words recently shared with me by my new friends in recovery came to mind: `This, too, shall pass.´ I decided to give it a go, sat down, and waited to see what would happen.
Alone in this somewhat sterile locker room, the seemingly unbearable anxiety came upon me, tarried a while, and finally moved on, like a cloud in a blue sky. To this day, I cannot say how long it took until relative calm was restored. No matter. It turned out to be one of those formative experiences, liberating me from the `fear of fear´, which had had me in its grip since childhood.
And what benefit had I been deriving from my habit over all those years? A temporary relief for that underlying feeling of alienation, briefly eclipsed by the drug-induced feeling of connection; of belonging, of being at peace with my circumstances and those around me. It never lasted long, of course, but that never dissuaded me from taking sanctuary there, again and again.
This brings me to Dr Maté’s revised definition of addiction:
Addiction is a complex psychological, emotional, physiological, neurobiological, social, and spiritual process. It manifests through any behaviour in which a person finds temporary relief or pleasure, and therefore craves, but that in the long term causes other negative consequences, and yet the person refuses to or is unable to give it up. Accordingly, the three main hallmarks of addiction are:
- Short-term relief or pleasure and therefore craving
- Long-term suffering for oneself and/or others, and
- An inability to stop
Now we could ask the members of any audience to raise their hands if, by this definition, they are, or ever have been, addicted.
Note that the definition does not refer to any disease diagnosis and is not restricted to drugs. It could refer to the gambler who, despite the strongest will power to quit, keeps engaging in betting, or the successful entrepreneur chasing ever higher amounts of recognition and financial reward, to the adolescent bingeing out on the latest Netflix productions, or the spiritual seeker forever chasing the secret of so-called enlightenment; all of whom are, in the long run, suffering debilitating effects on their peace of mind, their physical health, the quality of their relationships, and the unfolding of their full human potential.
As a Transformation Coach, my approach is to ask: `Are you living the life you love?´ Obviously a certain degree of trust must first be established before such a question could be posed with any realistic hope of deep engagement. The up-front investment is worthwhile, however, as it is not coaching that is on offer, or even change, but rather transformation.
This transformation obviates the need for the countless surrogates for connection, the `people, places, and things´ out there that are so keenly sought, touted, and bought – at a great human price – in our society, only to reveal themselves as hollow. We learn that the answers lie within, that our purpose can be manifested in ease and flow. This requires `coaching from the inside out´.
For insights as to how this is achieved, see: https://www.soberoasis.de/positive-intelligence/
