Gossip

To hold our tongues when everyone is gossiping, to smile without hostility at people and institutions, to compensate for the shortage of love in the world with more love in small, private matters; to be more faithful in our work, to show greater patience, to forgo the cheap revenge obtainable from mockery and criticism: all these are things we can do.
Hermann Hesse

Let us also remember to guard that erring member, the tongue. And if we must use it, let’s use it with kindness, and consideration, and tolerance.
Dr Bob Smith, Co-founder of AA

There are just two important things to remember about gossip for it to be caring and not harmful to the gossiper or gossipee. First, we need to be willing to repeat whatever we are saying directly to the person and do it. And second, there has to be absolutely no judgmentalism in it. If we are not clear on these two points, then we’d better keep our mouths shut.
Anne Wilson-Schaef

The universe is one being. Everything and everyone is interconnected through an invisible web of stories. Whether we are aware of it or not, we are all in a silent conversation. Do no harm. Practise compassion. And do not gossip behind anyone’s back – not even seemingly innocent remarks! The words that come out of our mouth do not vanish but are perpetually stored in infinite space, and they will come back to us in due time. One man’s pain will hurt us all. One man’s joy will make everyone smile.
Elif Shafak, `The forty Rules of Love´

The following discussion is said to have taken place in Ancient Greece between Socrates and one of his pupils, Aristippus.

A: `Do you know what I just heard about your friend?´
S: `Just a moment. In order to ascertain if I would like to hear your news, let us apply the test of the three probes.´
A: `The three probes?´
S: `Before speaking of others, it’s good to apply the three probes. The first is the truth. Have you personally witnessed what you’re going to tell me or have you verified the truth of the matter?´
A: `No, I just heard it.´
S: `Very good! So, you don’t know if it’s true. Let’s continue with the second probe, which is kindness. That which you want to tell me about my friend, is it kind?´
A: `Oh, no! On the contrary.´
S: `So, you want to tell me bad things about him and you’re not even sure if they are true? The third probe is that of utility. Is it useful that I know what you’re going to tell me about this friend?´
A: `No, not really.´
`So´, concluded Socrates, `what you were going to tell me is neither true, nor kind, nor useful. Why, then, did you want to tell me this? I would prefer not to hear it.´

The type of communication Aristippus attempted to initiate with Socrates is referred to as `triangular communication.´ Bob tells Mary something about David, or, even more insidious, Bob tells Mary what David said about Mary. This type of communication may be simple idle gossip or a conscious attempt at cynical manipulation; either way, it fills our hearts with bitterness and poisons us, our families, our teams at work, and our communities!

The recently deceased psychologist and educator, Anne Wilson-Schaef, pointed out that triangular communication is a characteristic of an addictive group dynamic, whether in family systems, organisations, or society at large. It is always at odds with authenticity, honesty, transparency, responsibility, accountability, and truth. Fuelled by fear, it ultimately has a corrosive effect on those who engage in it, on relationships and on collective enterprises.

It may be useful here to draw upon the following revised definition of addiction by Dr Gabor Maté, as related in his latest book; `The Myth of Normal´.

Addiction is a complex psychological, emotional, physiological, neurobiological, social, and spiritual process. It manifests through any behaviour in which a person finds temporary relief or pleasure, and therefore craves, but that in the long term causes other negative consequences, and yet the person refuses to or is unable to give it up. Accordingly, the three main hallmarks of addiction are:

• Short-term relief or pleasure and therefore craving
• Long-term suffering for oneself and/or others, and
• An inability to stop

Related to gossip, it would appear that when we participate, we get an initial payback of some nature, whether it be a sense of moral superiority, or an excuse to avoid confronting our own imperfections. This soon wears off and the true, destructive nature of the energy created ultimately comes to the surface. Despite this, and all the stress that ensues, we are unable to desist from participating, actively or passively, in the next round of gossip.

For countless examples, tune into today’s social media, blanket news coverage, or the latest tweets from the entertainment industry.

When we become conscious of this dynamic and the part we play in it, we may begin the inner work which, if fruitful, would bring us closer to the wise behaviour of Socrates. As with all inner work, it will unfold in tiny steps, one day at a time, in a combination of progress and setbacks, which are followed by a true desire and the necessary action to continue in our efforts to get back on the beam.

This brings me to the issue of `inner gossip´ and how it effects the quality of my inner dialogue.

When engaged in internal dialogue the triangle comprises my internal critic (e.g., Judge Saboteur), my true essence (Sage) and Patrick as he is going about his daily business. Let’s take an incident that happens while parking my car. When, in a moment of distraction or stress, I misjudge the distance and hit the car behind with a loud thud, my inner critic may immediately shout: `Idiot! Can’t you even do that right?´ If still stressed or distracted, I may believe and even agree with the words of the Saboteur. If, however, I have at my disposal the means whereby I can centre my self and tune into the voice of the Sage, I would first apply the three-stage probe of Socrates; Is it true? Is it kind? Is it useful?

Plainly the statement fails on all three counts and should therefore be consigned to the cerebral rubbish heap where all the refuse of my wandering mind, my stinking thinking, should end up.

The conscious witnessing of this phenomenon of internal gossip is relatively new to me, something I have learned in the PQ Coaching Programme. The simplicity and user-friendliness of this mental fitness programme, as devised by Shirzad Chamine and his PQ Team, has been helping me greatly in this process.

The change in the quality of my inner dialogue, by means of drawing healthy boundaries and simply not engaging in such internal gossip, has been striking, leading to many palpable improvements in the areas of well being, relationships, performance, and peace of mind.

By continuing my daily practice, I hope to continue to get better at leaving behind me the bondage to my stinking thinking, so that my mind can grow more towards working to achieve the outcomes to which I aspire.

For more information on PQ, see my Weekly Reflections of November 1^st, 2022 – here on this website: https://www.soberoasis.de/positive-intelligence/