Brick walls are not there to keep us out, they are there to show us how much we want something.
Randy Pausch, The Last Lecture
If you don’t learn from why you’re in the position you’re in, you are doomed to repeat it. You need to bring meaning to every setback.
Jillian Michaels
To get over the past, you first have to accept that the past is over.
Mandy Hale
I have experienced a string of setbacks since the beginning of this year. Both on the personal and professional fronts, things have not been unfolding as hoped, forcing me to confront, once more, my attitude towards and handling of setbacks.
Having had the opportunity to do this many times before, my proclivity to get stuck or even go on a downward spiral has greatly diminished over the years. Yet this week, in the first few days of my annual spring fast, when my energies levels were lower than usual, encountering a setback, I was thrown off kilter by `old voices´ of judgement and blame.
This has prompted me to take a closer look at the dynamics of setbacks and recovery, this time through the lens of the Positive Intelligence (PQ) framework which has been part of my own daily practice and increasingly of my professional coaching approach since the beginning of 2022.
Shirzad Chamine, the founder of the PQ Programme defines resilience as: our ability to recover fast from setbacks. From a purely logical perspective we could say that we simply need to snap out of the negative response from a setback and move forward. For a variety of reasons, this is easier said than done.
In my case this has to do with the `old voices´ transporting messages often heard in early childhood. Although these messages are clearly lies, they are sometimes very effective in shooting holes in my confidence, moving me into self blame, and taking me into self-doubt, guilt, shame, stress, deflation, and despair.
In the PQ framework, these `old voices´ are broken down into ten categories, the so-called Saboteurs, the main one being the Judge. This Saboteur blames me, others, and circumstances. It says: `This is bad´ with all the rumination, self-criticism, fear, anger, and resentment that follows in its wake.
In our moments of clarity, we know that this is not true. Things are simply as they are. `Good´ and `bad´ are simply the labels we apply to what we experience as we go through our days. If we had a friend who lied to us as often as our Judge Saboteur, we would no longer listen to those lies and would probably no longer even be friends.
So, what is going on here? It seems that many of us are like the Japanese holdouts, soldiers, many of whom were discovered in the jungles of Southeast Asia and the Pacific over the decades following the end of World War II in 1945, who, due to their remote locations, had not gotten word that the war was over. The last verified holdout, Private Terou Nakamura, surrendered on the island of Morotai in 1974.
We are still fighting the war of our childhood and the bombardment we face is that of the Saboteurs. We originally developed these as tools of survival. In that respect they have served us well. The question today is: `Are they still serving us well?´
Of course, this question can only be put after we have become aware of their existence. So that must be the starting point: Getting to know our own Saboteurs.
When something went wrong for me last week, I heard a loud voice saying: `See, you’re no good. Wasn’t it clear from the start that you are not up to this. Let go of those crazy dreams. You’re too big for your boots.´ This is obviously the voice of the Judge.
With respect to circumstances, it tells me that the situation is irretrievably bad, which prevents me from identifying and using the inherent gift to be found in every situation, and generating feelings of disappointment, stress, and resignation. In fact, it tells me that I might as well throw in the towel right now.
If this voice is not quickly nipped in the bud, it will make it very difficult to get back into balance after the setback and prolong the time required to do so.
Turning this situation around requires so-called `blameless discernment´. This is a detached review of what happened, my part in it, and the behaviours of others which contributed to the setback, all with a view to learning from the experience, so that the same mistakes will not be repeated. `Detached´ in this context means free of blame, of myself, of others, and of circumstances.
Blameless discernment is impossible while in a state of fear, anxiety, deflation, etc. PQ shows us how to move from this fear-driven state of the Saboteurs to a state of benevolence, in PQ parlance `Sage Mode´.
The first step is to get out of the obsessive thoughts of past and future and to return to the present moment. This is achieved by an array of body-based exercises which incorporate breathing, tactile experiences, and conscious application of all our other senses.
Once we have gathered ourselves, we can then make the conscious shift to Sage. This is a two-fold process. First, we become willing to recognise that every situation bears gifts which might not be immediately visible. This is called the `Sage Perspective´. Willingness is enough.
Think back to your own experience and there are surely situations which you considered at the time to be horrendous but, on reflection, you now regard as blessings in the unfolding of your life. I have had many, including illnesses, getting fired, and the demise of a marriage.
Once we open ourselves to the possibility of hidden gifts, we can move on to ask which of the five Sage Powers (Empathise, Explore, Innovate, Navigate, and Activate) are most called for as a response to the situation at hand.
Having empathy for the person who has treated me unfairly does not indicate that I condone her behaviour. It simply helps me to walk a mile in her moccasins to get a better understanding of what has motivated her to act in such a manner.
Empathy for self helps me accept that I am human and, therefore, make mistakes. As far as circumstances are concerned, life is a mystery which cannot be controlled or even fully understood. It is better to ride the waves than insist on commanding the winds.
The remaining Sage Powers activate my creativity in finding new ways of perceiving things and lead me to a point of fearless, clear action based on what I have found.
Referring back to my own Saboteur hijacking of last week, further Saboteurs involved were the Victim (the cards are stacked against me, others have it easier, and no matter how I proceed, it’s not going to work out), the Controller (this is all moving too slowly; why the hell don’t people get back to me when they say the would) and the Hyper-Achiever (if this business plan does not work out, everyone will see that I have nothing to offer the world, that I am bereft of worthiness).
By daily engaging in my PQ exercises, greatly helped by the fact that they are delivered by means of a gold standard App, and shifting to Sage, I have been able to dust myself down, recover from these setbacks, and begin to tackle the list of `next right things´ which will surely take me closer to achieving my goals.
These include helping as many people as possible to become and remain mentally fit. This enables us to better deal with the many adversities of life such that we remain serene while we keep moving towards fulfilling our full potential. Writing this piece is one example of those `next right things´.
