Even though the ship may go down, the journey goes on.
Margaret Meade
The person who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers them refuge and comfort and encourages their old self to survive. Rather, they will seek out someone who will faithfully and inexorably help them to risk themself, so they may endure the suffering and pass courageously through it. Only to the extent that a person exposes themself over and over again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible arise within them. In this lies the dignity of daring.
Karlfried Dürckheim
Some of us tried to hold on to our old ideas, and the result was nil, until we let go absolutely.
Big Book of AA
The difference between `change´ and `transformation´ has been a subject of my contemplation in recent weeks. For many years, I considered my sphere of activity to be that of `Change Management´. This description is no longer accurate. My role could now better be described as a Transformation Coach.
When we look at the birth and evolution of the butterfly, we see three separate stages before the butterfly finally emerges as the delicate airborne fourth, namely the egg, the caterpillar, and the pupae. To progress through that cycle, the current stage must first fully unfold, only to be subsequently relinquished, indeed annihilated, as the prerequisite of progression to the next. Any attempts to hold on to even vestiges of the present form would prevent the process from reaching completion.
Regardless of how much the caterpillar may enjoy life on underside of lush leaves, shaded from the bright sunshine, munching out on fresh green chlorophyl-laden delights, an insistence on remaining in that mode would mean death, without ever having reached the potential of life on the wing. This is encoded in the DNA such that the transformation process is naturally directed and fully automated, as can be clearly observed by any interested naturalist as we go through the cycle of each new year.
When it comes to us humans however, things are a bit more complicated. In addition to the pre-programming of our DNA, we have free will (or self-will). We get a say in how things proceed in our own evolution from cradle to grave.
Concepts such as comfort zones, ingrained behavioural patterns, resistance to treading new ground, denial, and delusion come into play.
They say that if you sprinkle hot water on a toad, it will flee in a split second, but if place a toad in a saucepan of cold water and apply heat very slowly, it will become drowsy, eventually falling asleep on the way to its demise. We humans are no different in this respect. It sometimes takes a jolt to wake us from the drowsiness to which so many of us are inclined.
We generally go about our business as if we were going to live forever, occupied by the material priorities of life such as family, work, entertainment, drama, property, and prestige. Only when the realities of the ephemeral nature of life are shoved under our noses, in the form of a bereavement, ill health, or an unexpected change of course in our subconsciously plotted course, that we wake up to the possibility that there may indeed be more to life than we had heretofore assumed.
This is where we may be challenged to abandon our old way of looking at and handling things. In my case, it was the illusion that I could control my destiny while successfully applying a pain-avoidance strategy. When we lose a loved on, despite the depth of that love, we are faced with the exposure of the lie that we can control life. The same applies typically whenever we have to file for bankruptcy, our marriages break up, serious injury is caused in accidents, or when we are so spiritually ill that we keep waking up thinking: `Oh no, I don’t think I can face another day´.
Such occurrences spare us the fate of the toad boiling in the water. Yet they are by no means comfortable. Indeed, we sometimes believe we have arrived at a juncture that is unbearable, and try any and everything to return to the old `normal´, conveniently overlooking, for the moment, how unbearable and dysfunctional that `normal´ had been. `The cave we most fear to enter´, says Joseph Campbell, `holds the treasure that we seek´.
Or we may try to be a better version of the old self. An incremental approach which would have the caterpillar eat more slowly in the hope that the terror-inducing morphing into a perceived totally alien (and therefore dangerous) form may be averted.
All such approaches are a negation of the evolutionary process and, as such, a negation of life. And this `No´ to life had been the source of my suffering in the first place. The paradox is, as Karlheinz Dürckheim pointed out, it is only by means of naming, claiming, and embracing the pain that we will ultimately become free.
The path to liberation from hell leads through hell. The true purpose of hell is not to create more pain. It is not the punitive agency religions would have us believe. Hell is the energy which fuels the alchemy of transformation. The transformation can only be completed only when the previous stage has been annihilated, enabling the phoenix to rise from the ashes.
What is it that needs to be annihilated in my life such that my true potential may emerge and manifest? It could be my old belief systems (`I am not worth it´, `I’m either in control or out of control´, or `Without a life partner I am worthless´, to name but a few) or the life negating behavioural patterns which I claim to want to get rid of but don’t. The drama of a toxic workplace or relationship, the refusal to take regular physical exercise, eating/watching trash, and/or filling my body and mind with toxins while moaning about the state of the world.
I now embrace as a gift, my experience of crashing and burning in mid life after decades of substance addiction. That feeling of desolation and hopelessness jolted me to finally ask for help. I did, and found it among people who had already embarked on their conscious journey through hell, some of whom had experienced an entire transformation and had come out on the other side. They radiated peace of mind and appeared to live lives that were happy, joyous, and free.
Addiction recovery is a not merely a process of change; it is a process of transformation. The alchemy through which that which is indestructible in me can arise, requires of me the daring of annihilation. This would not have come about without the people who faithfully and inexorably helped me to risk myself, so that I could endure the suffering and pass courageously through it. These people are my tribe. With a programme laid out in Twelve Steps at its core, this tribe of recovery can be found in an extensive variety of shapes and sizes all over the world.
Those who helped and continue to help me, consider it an essential element of their on-going recovery to be available and willing to help others embarking on or in the early stages of this journey, applying a concept they call `paying it forward´. As do I.
The paradox is expressed thus: `In order to keep it, I’ve got to give it away´.
