Fear
While my bravado helped me do many things and achieve ambitious goals in life, my fears drove me further and further away from knowing, and therefore, loving myself. Substance addiction to alcohol and marijuana, which started in my mid teens, seems to have maintained this strange equilibrium, and enabled me, for many years, to remain functional. Seen from afar, my life was a model of success when I finally crashed and burned in the year 2003, at the age of 42…
Beginnings
Where to begin? All this commotion about a Happy New Year seems oddly out of place for a person like me who believes that every day is New Year’s Day. On waking in the morning, I generally feel a surge of gratitude for having been granted one more day on this amazing planet. When I succeed in remaining open-hearted and in that grateful frame of mind, the day seems to work out well. Real accomplishments, mostly minor, sometimes major, present themselves for review before my eyes close, as yet another day comes to a conclusion.
Exile
In another example of loyalty to location, Ken Robinson explained in one of his wonderful public talks that seven of his eight great-grandparents were born within one square mile of Liverpool. That´s a case of solid roots for you! Over the past five generations, my family, on the other hand, has lived on every continent on the planet…
Science
Before I begin, it is important to note that I love science. Many years of my working life were spent helping break new ground in using light to transport data, namely in the Research and Development of optical transmission systems. Working with some of the best brains in Bell Labs, we delivered the world’s first 2.5Gbit/s optical fibre transmission systems for the Olympic Games in Barcelona in 1992. This required a laser that could switch on and off 2,500 times per second, among other audacious capabilities…
Angst
One memory from this period is seeing a ghost at the door of my bedroom and feeling the despair of powerlessness in the face of such a terrible threat. When, on occasion, an older sibling or adult came into the dark bedroom and turned on a light, it became evident that the object of my fearful fantasies was a dressing gown hung on the door…
Hilltops
The second encounter was with a person who insists on seeing the glass half empty rather than half full. This lady is constantly battling a sense of doom and depression, talks incessantly about having to do this and having to do that, while passive-aggressively lamenting her lack of freedom. The hilltop at play here is that of the victim in a world apparently characterised by scarcity. This has been going on for years, with no visible improvement in the quality of her life…
Adaptability
One day, however, at the age of eleven or twelve, I left home on a Sunday evening, ostensibly to go to evening mass, but with the conscious intention of putting the contention to the test. Honestly, I waited for a while, petrified, for a bolt of lightning to strike me from the heavens. When that did not occur, there was a great sense of relief. My adventure could now really begin!
Control
Addicts—which I’m convinced are all of us, in one way or another—have an intense resistance to change. We like predictability and control. That’s one of the reasons addicts find it easier to have a relationship with a process or a substance rather than with people. Unlike objects, people are unpredictable. Having a drink, making a purchase, or turning to our devices can change our superficial mood very quickly…
Spontaneity
Watching very young children at play is a gratifying experience. When they feel safe and find themselves `in the zone´, there is no end to their creativity and spontaneity. They exude an air of vitality and freedom, both inspiring and infectious.
When was the last time I felt like this?
Mother
Even very early on, our relationship was challenging. I’m not sure what it was. Perhaps the cause of our initial difficulties lie in those earlies of days, beyond the boundaries of cognizant memory. One of the first things that stands out in my conscious recollections is her habit of shouting. She seemed to operate like a control tower for her ten children, doing her best to protect and coordinate them, regardless of location in or around our sprawling home, and simply turned up the volume, without altering her position, when the desired response was not forthcoming…
