Daring To Love
Without uncovering, subsequently befriending, and tending this wound – the Greek word is trauma – we will be hampered in all subsequent efforts to establish intimacy in human relations. Because when we open our hearts completely, we are stepping into the unknown and giving another person access to the most vulnerable parts of ourselves. There is always a chance of getting hurt, rejected, ridiculed, humiliated, of being misunderstood, or abandoned, once again…
Compassion
One further point is important in this respect. This is the danger of premature or simply rational forgiveness. This is `pseudo forgiveness´, a form of spiritual bypassing. It occurs when we return to the past, to attend inner wounds, this time not shielded by intoxication but by our still intact invulnerability. We thus protect ourselves from truly remembering and re-feeling the original pain. Instead of healing the old wounds, this approach simply masks them, thereby exacting a high price.
White Horse
We have inherited many patterns from our primitive ancestors, who, to survive, needed to be constantly on guard, for example when leaves rustled in the jungle. The reptilian part of our brain, that part which is concerned with survival and therefore fuelled by existential fear, can still be very much active today. In our energy fields, we also carry the collective fears and wounds (trauma) of our ancestors, the innumerable generations who have gone before us. As Richard Rohr points out: There are only two possibilities, transfer or transform. Due to a lack of awareness, the general pattern has been that of transferring the burden from one generation to the next, even adding to it as we progress…
Deep Roots
Most of us have not had a perfect childhood, with a mother and father who modelled ideal parental attitudes and taught us to the basics of self-love. Our parents did not have such modelling themselves and so had to improvise as they went along. In my case, both had come from very large families where the stresses and tensions of unresolved childhood trauma pervaded the familial energy field. My impression, formed very early on, was that I had arrived as an added burden, that it was essential not to compound the already existing load my parents were carrying…
Connection
The Merriam definition of the word connection: a relation of personal intimacy, is useful in this respect. If we break intimacy into the four syllables in-to-me-see, we recognise the challenges presented here. Not having felt safe in our childhood environment sets us up for not allowing others see us as we truly are. Vulnerability still appears to be too great a risk. This was certainly my experience. Instead, we protect ourselves with thick layers of armour. These not only impinge upon our connection with others; they prevent us from having a healthy connection with ourselves…
Killing The Hope
We all know people who return again and again to an abusive relationship. For onlookers, this behaviour is difficult to fathom while we remain ignorant of the underlying emotional and psychological bedrock and the invisible dynamics at play. It is the trauma bond that keeps a victim in the relationship with a narcissist, or any abuser. Although it can manifest most powerfully within adult primary relationships, it can also be found in friendships and in familial relationships. It can be particularly acute with a narcissistic parent because of the deep nature of the parent-child bond…
Comfort
When, during morning meditation, childhood feelings percolate, my adult self and Inner Child aspect confer. Together, we look at and feel the emotional states that bubble up from memory. The adult me simply remains present, extending the embrace of kinship to the child experiencing fear, pain, grief, or joy, — whatever transpires. This process, — referred to as `re-parenting´, — allows the lifetime reservoir of pent-up, unattended feelings to drain at its own pace, a pace which allows their attendance in a healthy, healing manner…
Healing Community
Abandoning out true selves is akin to building our house in our neighbour’s garden. We build those homes, and we decorate them with the love, care, and respect that make us feel safe at the end of the day. We invest in other people, places, and things, evaluating our self-worth based on how much those homes welcome us. But what many don’t realize is that when we build our homes on a foundation comprising other people, places, and things, we give them the power to make us homeless…
Disorganized Attachment
When we had finally eaten in the breakfast room, with Daddy presiding, it was off to school with a high probability of arriving late, for which, of course, I was regularly scolded, and sometimes punished. It was only after this milestone that I could begin to relax into the new day. It is difficult to convey the quality of domestic chaos which kept me in a constant state of tension, anxiety, and hyper vigilance…
Rewilding the Spirit
Instead, with recovery over time, we come to the realization that nobody, no relationship, no success, no shining toy, is coming to rescue us and heal what’s broken on the inside. In this new-found clarity it dawns on us that we already have our very own garden which contains everything we have been seeking and all we need. That garden has always been waiting for us. An inside job beckons…
