Silence

So, the deeper I get into the silence, the more I anticipate the eruption. Avoiding silence at all costs can appear very enticing. Such attempts can be maintained over decades, through busyness or other forms of addictive habits and compulsive behavioural patterns. At some point, however, we generally crash and burn. This turning point, in retrospect, is the moment of opportunity, an opportunity to stop running, to practice interoception and to choose – in self-actualization – another way of living. Every programme of self-actualization includes meditation, prayer, and contemplation, in some form or other…

Suicide

Not a year goes by now, without news of someone from my wider circle of friends or acquaintances struggling with life to the degree that they would consider what looks like an escape hatch, an easier softer way. Or indeed, the sad consummation of such plans. Every time this happens, I am devastated. The devastation comes from the mere inkling of the suffering the protagonist must have been going through when the decision was made and carried out. Such incidences also point clearly to our own vulnerability. If she or he could be pushed that far, could we be next?

Inviolability

Many of us carry a bag of different lies around with us until we begin to take stock of our lives. We may, therefore, have two or three main Saboteurs which are the cause of most our problems. We each have a unique Saboteur profile. Just as it is necessary and beneficial to handle more overt losses by grieving in a healthy manner, – rather than avoiding, numbing, and dissociating – we learn in recovery to practice loving ways to grieve our childhood losses and the alienation of Self…

Fellowship

For me, the key question is what impact these achievements have had on our happiness. Are we as happy or even more happy than our predecessors? I have my doubts. Rather than get into a competitive debate about today and the `good old days´, my interest revolves around one important question: In a world which values freedom above all other human characteristics, are we really free?

God

Basic elements of reality which we, through our culture, collectively attempt to deny include the facts that we are all going to die, that everything is impermanent, that we have no control over much of what occurs in life, and that there is, beyond what we recognise we do not know, a vast amount of knowledge of which we are not aware that we do not know. We are blind to our own blind spots…

Fawning

Fawning is an unconscious attempt to manipulate the reaction of others to ward off danger and maintain connection in an unsafe environment or relationship. This behavioural pattern can become habituated, appearing like personality, without us ever being aware of its traumatic origins. The term fawning was coined by Pete Walker, a psychotherapist who specializes in complex trauma (synonymous with developmental, relational or childhood trauma). Walker saw fawning as the “Fourth F” of trauma reflexes: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. It is particularly common among people who have had, or are experiencing, long-term, developmental trauma…

Courage

Worrying about what others think of us leads to a constrained life where actions are taken not for personal satisfaction but for external validation. It is we, ourselves, who engineer the role of becoming a puppet on a string, even without the participation or even the knowledge of those who are ostensibly `pulling our strings´…

Waking Up

I cannot remember a period prior to incessant rumination about who I was going to be when I grew up. In retrospect, under ideal circumstances this question would never have arisen. I would have been secure in simply being me. That would have been the sturdy foundation for further healthy growth and development. In the absence of such a foundation, we develop neurotic tendencies and come to believe in the reality of our idealized self. The false self lures us into the belief that it is the only true self. We have been hypnotized, have fallen asleep…

Expectations

The rules of this playbook are tacitly constructed, implied, and enforced (at least we try). No conscious communication has taken place, and nothing has been mutually agreed. Now, imagine that each member of the family is playing the same game, unbeknownst to themselves and the other parties involved, and you have a recipe for a quintessentially dysfunctional home…

Big Mind

Recovery is about moving from illusion to truth. We acquire the insights and tools required to escape the bondage of constant anxiety and fear. Now it is clear that, while I have my feelings, I am not my feelings. That is a great leap forward indeed. It is not the full story, however, as beautifully elaborated by Stephen and Ondrea Levine in their inspiring book on cultivating Spirit in relationships, `Embracing The Beloved´…

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