Fruits of Devastation
We shame ourselves when we deny any aspect of our essence. In this dynamic, I had simply emulated those caregivers who, for reasons probably only they could describe (if they were still alive), could not endure aspects of my essential nature, and in order to be rid of their discomfort, thereupon shamed me. Left with the choice of believing that these caregivers, on whom I was totally dependent, were mistaken, or the possibility that I was somehow at fault, I chose the latter. This is where the process of shaming of self begins. The Judge is born…
Disorganized Attachment
When we had finally eaten in the breakfast room, with Daddy presiding, it was off to school with a high probability of arriving late, for which, of course, I was regularly scolded, and sometimes punished. It was only after this milestone that I could begin to relax into the new day. It is difficult to convey the quality of domestic chaos which kept me in a constant state of tension, anxiety, and hyper vigilance…
Reparenting
Looking back, it emerged that the family in which I grew up had thought me to deny my true feelings in the service of a pain adverse and emotionally illiterate dysfunctional collective dynamic.
How de come out of denial about our traumatic childhoods and regain the ability to feel and express our emotions? The short answer is to accept and befriend the feelings, allowing them to bubble to the surface, and to simply be, without manipulating, wallowing in, or fuelling them, in the trust that `This too shall pass´…
Resurrection
The necessity of `dying to the old´ is the crux of the challenge. For, no matter how we have matured, an old script etched on our psyche keeps admonishing us to avoid the dangers and pain of death at all costs. Better the devil we know than the devil we don’t know, the Saboteurs declare. They also incite blame and resentment, which perpetuate the old. Forgiveness is the product of Sage, an indispensable component of relinquishing the old, to make way for the new: Father, forgive them for they know not what they do…
Aloneness
Intelligent beings that we are, we develop strategies to survive. The first element is to identify the cause of the problem. The idea that our parents are not up to the task of child-rearing is so cataclysmic that we deduce that the problem must lie in the only other variable of the equation, namely in ourselves. The pain, shame, and guilt resulting from the conclusion that we are unlovable are easier to endure that the spectre of incapable parents, on whom we are still fully dependent…
Expectations
The rules of this playbook are tacitly constructed, implied, and enforced (at least we try). No conscious communication has taken place, and nothing has been mutually agreed. Now, imagine that each member of the family is playing the same game, unbeknownst to themselves and the other parties involved, and you have a recipe for a quintessentially dysfunctional home…
Developmental Trauma
In the spring before my sixteenth birthday my father had fallen ill. He was diagnosed with lung cancer and had surgery to remove most of his right lung. In those days, the prognosis for such patients was not very good, but his medical colleagues gave him `from one to thirty years´. He didn’t make the one. In the summer and early autumn months of that year, I spent much of the time outside of school hours with him, as he set out on the final stage of this life…
Tomb and Womb
The chrysalis is at one and the same time a tomb, for the caterpillar, and a womb, for the butterfly. In the given situation this may not be apparent at first glance. Impaired by the lens of duality, our perception ensures that one aspect, –usually the receding to which we are so attached, – tends to dominate, and we proceed to engage in a mental struggle between it and its opposite…
Powering Up
But just as a belief in electricity is insufficient when it comes to operating power tools, we must find a way of tapping into the power. Otherwise, the tools are useless. In my garden shed this means connecting the tools to the mains or an appropriately charged battery. The Big Book of AA contends that, for those dealing with addiction, the connection is obscured (blocked) by one of three things, or a combination of same. These are `calamity, pomp, and worship of other things´…
Neediness
I wandered outside again into the yard, to enjoy the spaciousness under the vibrant sky, the brightness and warmth of the July sunshine, and the music of the blanket bog. The mood was carefree; we were all a bit tired, perhaps also hungry, at the tail end of the long day trip…
