Comfort Zone

The person who, being really on the Way, falls upon hard times in the world will not, as a consequence, turn to that friend who offers them refuge and comfort and encourages their old self to survive. Rather, they will seek out someone who will faithfully and inexorably help them to risk themself, so they may endure the suffering and pass courageously through it. Only to the extent that people expose themselves over and over again to annihilation, can that which is indestructible arise within them. In this lies the dignity of daring.
Karlfried Graf Dürckheim – `The Way of Transformation´, 1988

I became a singer and a songwriter by learning on the spot, so think I always need to be slightly out of my comfort zone when I do something.
Roisín Murphy

You can choose courage, or you can choose comfort. You cannot have both.
Brené Brown

To a greater or lesser degree, we all love our comforts. After a November evening walk in the driving wind and rain, we delight in the comforts of a steaming hot cup of tea imbibed as we warm our limbs by the roaring fire. In fact, it is sometimes the promise of the anticipated comfort that keeps us motivated as we navigate unpleasant challenges. We play `good cop, bad cop´ within ourselves.

There are less obvious, more subtle forms of what we call `comfort´ located below the radar of consciousness, and thus tend to go unnoticed. One of my favourite stories involves a group of live frogs relaxing in pot of cold water, to which heat is slowly applied. Because the rise in temperature is gradual, the frogs, instead of realising the danger and jumping free, become more and more drowsy as they are lured towards their fatal end. Had they been startled, they would have rapidly escaped the danger, but in this case, oblivion seals their fate.

Each of us is of unique temperament. This means we each have individual characteristics or habitual inclinations of emotional response to any given situation. In my case, it seems I have often been drawn to trying new things out, even at the expense of my comfort. Thus, before the age of twenty, I had emigrated to an unfamiliar country with no financial assets, safety net, or road map towards financial survival. All I had was the strong draw of discovery, a desire to liberate myself from a society experienced as culturally supressing and emotionally suffocating, and a conviction that things would somehow work out.

It was indeed a lonely time. The homesickness was almost unbearable, and the taunts of the daemons of doubt and self-criticism reverberated loudly at times in my troubled, endless inner dialogue. Nevertheless, the thought of giving up and going back to Ireland never crossed my mind.  

On the unconscious level however, I engaged in self-medication to `take the edge´ off those feelings I believed could not be handled. In truth I lacked the courage to address them. Daily consumption of alcohol, marijuana, and other drugs did the trick, eventually forming of comfort zone which was hidden in one of the many blind spots of my perception. Like the frogs, I became slowly seduced, partly because the effect was welcome, and partly because the progression was so gradual that the accumulative effects became visible only when the solution no longer worked, and perdition threatened.

In desperation, I reached out and asked for help. A lucky break brough me into contact with a community of people who all shared the desire to recover from their own destructive `habits´ and were motivated to pass on to other sufferers the practical, working solution they had found, and were cultivating on a daily basis.

They thought me to leave no stone unturned in a fearless and thorough inventory of my actions, beliefs, and circumstances. I had had lots of practice in inventory up to then, but these were the inventories of the world at large and other people, the ones I believed had done me so much harm. Now it was suggested to `sweep my side of the street´, a novel idea, at which I first balked.

With kind and competent support of these new friends who had already been through this process, I discovered many `assets´ which were easily identified as `life-negating´ or destructive; the old belief patterns and behaviours which, in and of themselves, had been the main cause of my troubles and had drawn me into `suicide by instalments´.

Here was proof that I took comfort in the erroneous belief that others were responsible for my misery, setbacks, and failures. Let’s call it the `comfort zone of blame´. That had been such an easy ride in one way, but the price was huge. For if it were true, in the light of the fact that there was no way I could change the attitude and behaviours of others, I was surely doomed.

On the other hand, if I were really the main protagonist in creating my difficulties, as the inventory had shown, there was hope. There was something that could be done about that. This is the key to liberation. Once turned in the lock – from the inside -, we can emerge from the darkness and embark on a new chapter in life, a chapter shaped by the realisation that the demand to control life should and could be dropped, a proposition that required of me both daring and courage.

It can be a stony path at times. The pain avoidance strategy employed over many years had not only failed to achieve its goal, it had caused additional pain, to me and others, which also needed to be addressed. The emotional muscles for dealing with pain had atrophied over time, so a long road of recovery lay ahead. This involved the reconstitution of these emotional resources and their subsequent daily cultivation, by means of training, one day at a time.

`Comfort´ zones such as that described above, are fuelled by fear: The fear of scarcity, of not being enough, of rejection, of setbacks, of pain, of life itself. They are populated by any number of saboteurs, depending on how our temperament has evolved.

Since January 2022, I have been participating in the training programme as a mental fitness coach with the Positive Intelligence (PQ) Organisation. In this programme the primary saboteur we all have is identified as the Judge. The strength of our further saboteurs varies and is dictated by our temperament. My next in line are the Hyper Rational, the Controller, and the Stickler. Others may have the Pleaser, the Victim, the Hyper Achiever, or the Hyper Vigilant. The PQ Model of Positive Intelligence lists ten in all. What they all have in common is that they lure us into believing that we need them to survive, mainly through short-term gains, while in reality they prevent us from ever becoming truly happy and fulfilled.

The new life is one built around a well-spring of love. We get to choose. This is an important new realisation. PQ calls the counterparts to the Saboteurs `Sage Powers´, of which there are five in all, as follows:

• Empathy; love for self, others, and life
• Explore; love for discovery
• Innovate; love for possibilities
• Navigate; love for meaning and purpose
• Activate; love for making things happen

We all have direct access to these Sage powers, but it may have become impaired due to years of saboteur rule.

PQ is now an integral part of my daily practice. It helps me train three muscles; the Saboteur Interceptor, the Sage Enhancer, and the Mind Command muscle, which enables us to switch from saboteur to sage quickly, ideally in real time. As my mental fitness builds, I can better tell the difference between real ease and comfort and the destructive traps of `comfort zones´ only posing as such.

Then I get to choose.