Great Spirit,
Grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage
To change the things I can; and
Wisdom
To know the difference.
Reinhold Niebuhr, Serenity Prayer
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Polish proverb
Even if you are a minority of one, the truth is the truth.
Mohandas Gandhi
Healthy boundaries are not walls. They are gates and fences that allow you to enjoy the beauty of your own garden.
Lydia Hall
In an increasingly hectic and atomised world, where scientific progress and material success are so highly prized, it is good to be reminded of the role of community, service, and self-care as we make our way through the real daily challenges of life, unfolding our true potential.
`The Courage to Be Disliked´ by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga , explores – in a dialogue between a philosopher and a young man, – the concepts of individual happiness and personal freedom through the lens of the psychological principles developed by the Austrian psychologist, Alfred Adler (1870 – 1937).
In this very accessible book, I discovered many concepts, already familiar to me as key elements of self-actualisation approaches such as Zen Buddhism, the recovery programme of the Twelve Steps, and the Positive Intelligence (PQ) Mental Fitness modality. It sets out how we can liberate ourselves from self-imposed limitations and societal expectations, thus paving the way to genuine happiness.
To attain true freedom, Adler emphasizes the importance of detaching our self-worth from the opinions of others. He argues that worrying about what others think of us leads to a constrained life where actions are taken not for personal satisfaction but for external validation. It is we, ourselves, who engineer the role of becoming a puppet on a string, even without the participation or even the knowledge of those who are ostensibly `pulling our strings´.
`Get rid of the need to please (or punish) others, stay true to yourself, and live your life in complete freedom and according to your own principles´, Adler reminds us. `Always remember that what other people think of you is none of your business.´
He goes on to state that a sense of community and belonging is crucial for individual happiness. Humans, he argues, are wired to thrive in communities, so the fear of disapproval can make us freeze inside. Being okay with people not liking us is the, somewhat paradoxical, portal to freedom.
This presupposes what Adler calls the `separation of tasks´. This concept is crucial. The modern formula is `my monkey is my monkey, and your monkey is yours´. Today we often use the term enmeshment.
People still caught up in emotional dependency, those who have not yet cultivated the awareness and behaviours of emotional sobriety, are forever trying to place their monkeys on our backs. A classic example is that of the parents complaining to their adolescent children that they are losing sleep with worry about their life choices.
Conversely, they are incapable of drawing healthy boundaries such that they, themselves, get weighed down with the countless monkeys of others on their backs. Guilt-tripping and shaming, – endemic to the Irish Catholic culture in which I grew up, – are good breeding grounds for such dysfunction. The Saboteurs of the PQ model all come to mind, especially the Judge, Pleaser, Controller, and Stickler.
To avoid enmeshment, we need to get clarity around several issues; what is within my control and what is not, and what is within my remit and what is not, and my relationship to my own imperfection. By focusing on our own tasks, – those things we can change, – and not overstepping into others‘ responsibilities, we can maintain healthy boundaries, and so shape harmonious relationships while maintaining a sense of personal autonomy. It is no accident that the Serenity Prayer is so popular in Twelve Step communities worldwide.
Furthermore, making contributions to society is the true source of happiness. Self worth is experienced, not through the validation or praise of others, but only when we experience making real contributions in our relationships, to our community, to society. Adler shows how acts of kindness and contributions to the welfare of others can enhance our sense of purpose and satisfaction. When liberated from the need to get something in return, contributing to the well-being of others can lead to profound personal satisfaction and a sense of connection with the wider world.
In order to keep our sobriety, we have to give it away, runs an axiom very popular in AA. In Twelve Step programmes we are encouraged to serve others by passing on what we have learned for fun and for free whereby, paradoxically, we become the primary beneficiaries of such action.
The wider world need not be limited to family or the workplace. It can be expanded to cover the entire universe. Those who awaken to the awareness of belonging to the greater whole, as Buddha taught, are less susceptible to suffering. We begin to feel more at home in human being than human doing or human having. We no longer need validation through manipulation.
Great emphasis is also placed on the courage to be happy. True happiness, Adler argues, requires the courage to change and to be disliked. He highlights that fear of criticism and rejection often holds people back from pursuing what genuinely makes them happy and encourages us to persevere in the face of such challenges.
`Courage is not an ability one either possesses or lacks. Courage is the willingness to engage in a risk-taking behaviour regardless of whether the consequences are unknown or possibly adverse. We are capable of courageous behaviour provided we are willing to engage in it. Given that life offers few guarantees, all living requires risk-taking´, he once wrote.
Embracing the possibility of being disliked for making choices true to oneself is presented as a pathway to freedom and happiness. For this to happen, we must stop judging self, others, and circumstances. Self-rejection, which we do every time when, in our internal dialogue, we allow our Judge Saboteur to supress input from our intuitive and emotional aspects, must also be unlearned.
By accepting that imperfection is a characteristic of the human condition, and that progress can be achieved once we drop judgement and the expectation of perfection, we can develop the tools of taking responsibility for our actions, forgiving ourselves and others, making amends, and asking for forgiveness, where appropriate, as we go through our day.
Adler argues that all problems relate to interpersonal relationships. People are afraid of being judged by others. If there were nobody else in the world, our problems as we know them would not exist. All our problems have the fingerprints of other people on them, in some way or other.
Happiness, he argues, rests upon handling all relationships as horizontal (peer to peer) rather than vertical (hierarchal). This becomes possible only when we drop our habit of judging, and fully accept what is, warts and all. This allows us to make positive changes without being hindered by feelings of inferiority. Never put yourself above or below anyone, cautions Adler. Instead of building hierarchical relationships, build horizontal ones that put you both on the same level. If someone hasn’t done an adequate job, let them know your wishes and aspirations, without passing judgment.
Feelings of inferiority, which may manifest as both inferiority and superiority complexes, prevent us from aligning ourselves to the rest of creation with humility, eye to eye. They are a barrier to true intimacy. We continue to live `apart from´ rather than becoming `a part of.´ Healing, recovery, and growth cannot happen in a vacuum. They require community.
Having shifted to the horizontal, we no longer rebuke or praise. These activities are revealed as attempts to manipulate. Instead, we help, in the form of encouragement, providing it only when our input is explicitly requested. Learn to recognise, accept, and celebrate your unique self and that of everyone else. Overcome the burden of social expectations. Lifestyle is not something given, but something chosen. Be authentically you. Embrace and respect others as they do the same.
A further central tenet of Adler’s psychology is that our past experiences do not dictate our future. This challenges the common belief that past traumas and experiences are the cause of our current unhappiness. Instead, it suggests that we have the power to reinterpret our past and choose actions that lead to a happier future. If you believe that the past determined your present and therefore your future, then you’ve already decided on your future. Changing our lifestyle, doing our inner work, and reaching for our dreams opens us up to failure, rejection, and criticism. This is why we need courage.
These can be risked and successfully turned into fuel for growth only when we have learned to live in the `here and now´. We are encouraged to live in the present rather than being anchored to the past or overly concerned about the future. Focusing on the here and now allows for a more engaged and fulfilling life. The PQ Mental Fitness exercises, which enable us to intercept the Saboteurs, become centred, and switch over to the life-affirming Sage Powers, are all geared towards developing circuit-breakers in our thinking apparatus by focusing our attention on our sense perceptions in the here and now. In the Twelve Step programme, we are equally encouraged to proceed one day at a time.
`The Courage to Be Disliked´ offers a compelling argument for reevaluating our approaches to happiness and personal freedom. By incorporating Adlerian principles into our lives, the authors suggest that we can overcome feelings of inadequacy and live more fulfilling, autonomous lives.
We may already be doing so, without being aware of this. This is my conclusion in finding many of Adler’s ideas differently packaged in approaches which I have incorporated in my own life. The fact that they are to be found in both ancient and modern approaches shows that nobody is operating in a vacuum. Even great thinkers and innovators sit upon the shoulders of those who have gone before them. We, too, should have the courage to contribute to this evolution.
