Heaven is a new pair of glasses.
Fr Ed Dowling S.J.
Change the way you look at things, and the things you look at change.
Wayne Dyer
A few days ago, I retrieved two envelopes from my post box downstairs. Two clean, crisp envelopes; one from Germany and one from Corsica. The German envelope contained my pay slip, which my employer has been sending to my home since granting me paid leave of absence some time ago. I quickly scanned the page to confirm that the numbers were correct.
The second envelope got me curious. There had been several items of post from Corsica since my accident there on holiday in mid-July; invoices, medical records and confirmations of payment, all of which were required in the on-going process of recouping most of my co-payments for the hospital care provided there. That professional treatment for serious spinal injuries may indeed have saved my life; it certainly safeguarded my mobility – the ability to move my arms and legs, without which life would be very different today.
On opening the second envelope, I saw that it was from the `centre d’encaissement des amendes´. Even with my basic French, I quickly realised it was a speeding ticket from the Corsican authorities, and could see from the date, that the infraction was on they day of our departure from that beautiful island, as we drove cross-country from Ajaccio on the west coast to Bastia in the north east, to get the ferry back to the European mainland. After quickly deciphering the small print, it became clear that the fine amounted to roughly one percent of my monthly salary.
Over the following hour or so, guess which envelope fully preoccupied my attention? Yes, indeed. I began to mull over that leg of the journey, with no memory of seeing any cameras or noticing the typical red flash that usually ends up in the pit of my stomach. Indeed, my train of thought continued; did not the police know what I had been through over the last two weeks? That I was not even capable of doing the driving myself? Had they no mercy whatsoever? How could my case be argued and with what hope of success? Would it be worth it? And on and on and on….
Leaving the documents on my dining table, I embarked on my morning walk along the river; after a short period of consciously enjoying the fresh air and observing the great beauty that surrounded me, the penny dropped. Where was I directing my attention? Where was my gratitude for the contents and circumstances conveyed in the first envelope? And what about the fact that I was lucky enough to be safely chauffeured, in my immobilised state, a thousand miles back home? And my sense of perspective; where had it gone? Yes, these and many more questions surfaced in the next ten minutes, not in any judgemental fashion but as a kind of inventory; a fact-finding and fact-facing exercise.
And then, as so often, a broad smile began to spread through my body, all the way from my gut to my lips and eyes. `Here we go again,´ the benevolent inner voice whispered, `how much is your serenity worth to you Patrick´?
The issue of entitlement and its remedy, gratitude, have played an important role in the recovery of my mental and spiritual health over the last eighteen years. Not long after deciding to try to turn around my life, in favour of one free of the bondage of addiction, and resolving to go to any lengths to achieve this, I asked a man who I had chosen based on his years of experience in this process, to be my mentor, or sponsor, in the vernacular of the Twelve Step fellowships. He generously agreed on several conditions. These were intended to test my resolve and establish accountability in the process that lay ahead.
One of the conditions was to write a so-called gratitude list, i.e. a hand-written list to be drawn up each day containing ten things for which I was grateful. While not really understanding why this was considered so important, I agreed to go along with the suggestion and can remember often brooding over an open journal, pencil between my teeth, hating myself, the sponsor in question and the world in general for what I considered, at best, to be an inconvenience and, at worst, a humiliation. I railed against the task in those first weeks and was given repeated encouragement to persist nonetheless.
Very gradually, in the course of each new day, I noticed how my willingness and, later, eagerness, to open myself to even the tiniest joys and pleasures began to germinate and grow. These were things normally taken for granted which therefore went unnoticed in my rather impaired perception. A warm bed, the roof over my head, food in the fridge, family and friends who cared about me, my health, the birdsong and ever-changing dynamic of Mother Nature, and so on. The more my eyes, ears and heart opened, the easier it became to write my daily list. I even began to enjoy not only writing the list but appreciating those things it contained.
In the intervening period, I have come to recognise the role of entitlement in life. Where it exists, we are `playing God´ and a long as we do so, there can be no spiritual awakening or real recovery. The contemporise American psychotherapist and writer, David Richo, uses the acronym `FACE´, as in `the FACE of the Ego´, pointing out than whenever `Fear, Anger, Control or Entitlement´ are at play, we can be sure we are operating from the lower self of neediness, self-centredness, and the drive `to get´. Only when we transcend these do we gain access to the higher, Divine aspect of our being and can thus live a life of purpose, now motivated `to give´, to share the gifts we have received.
The remedy for entitlement is gratitude. I cannot be in both states at the same time, just as a heart full of love cannot at the same time contain hatred.
So, on the morning in question, I could see that the old pattern of entitlement had momentarily re-emerged, bringing the other three members of the lethal quartet in its wake. Once this was clearly visible and embraced, it was possible to switch my focus to gratitude and let go of everything which was blocking my connection to the Great Spirit. Now thankful for my health, the guidance and care for my continued recovery, the friends who continue to shower me with their love, the means to pay this speeding ticket, and much more, I could go out into the world to share the light within.
