So I turned myself to face me
But I’ve never caught a glimpse.
Of how the others must see the faker
I’m much too fast to take that test…
David Bowie
The first person who, having enclosed a plot of land, took it into his head to say this is mine and found people simple enough to believe him was the true founder of civil society. What crimes, wars, murders, what miseries and horrors would the human race have been spared, had some one pulled up the stakes or filled in the ditch and cried out to his fellow men: „Do not listen to this imposter. You are lost if you forget that the fruits of the earth belong to all and the earth to no one!
Jean-Jacques Rousseau
I still sometimes feel like a loser kid in high school, and I just have to pick myself up and tell myself that I’m a superstar every morning so that I can get through this day and be for my fans what they need for me to be.
Lady Gaga
Sometimes words appear on the horizon, apparently for the first time in ages, and then they crop up several times in varying contexts within the subsequent short period of time. This summer the word `imposter´ has cropped up again and again, so I began to think about the variety of experiences I have had with the phenomenon it describes. Webster’s dictionary lists the meaning as: `One that assumes false identity or title for the purpose of deception´. Three specific issues came to mind during this process of contemplation.
From my early childhood, I engaged in the habit of exaggeration. Perhaps this was driven by my need for drama to escape the drudgery of the mundane. Drama seemed to spice things up, making life more bearable. A more sinister factor was my deeply held belief that I was not just good enough. This required constant inflation of my achievements, a façade of bravado, and a pose designed to convince the world that I really did know and understand more than was the case.
The price for this `performance´ was high. First there was the constant underlying anxiety that the different people to whom I had spoken would meet, compare notes, and expose my clump of lies. The degree of management required to avoid this fate is beyond human capability.
Furthermore, even my true accomplishments were tainted with the internalised realisation that I was a fraud, and therefore undeserving of any success or praise. `If they really knew!´ was the banner under which all acts of approval or appreciation were met. It got to the point that my self image was so blurred that I felt hollowed out, a mere shell of a boy.
The solution of substance induced intoxication which began in my mid teens provided relief from the constant anxiety and alienation. What resulted now was a mere shell of a man. This went on for many years; through immigration, starting a successful career, relationships, and starting a family. It was a dark cloud that fortified and amplified the sense of shame and guilt which found their way into my heart and my psyche in the Catholic Irish culture of my upbringing.
I quit alcohol and weed, one day at a time, at the age of forty-two. Like David Bowie, who spent most of the second half of life living in recovery from addiction, I got a second chance to `turn myself to face me´. Washed up, hopeless, and almost spiritually broken, I did not like the contents of the reflection in the mirror.
With the kind help of others ahead of me on the path of recovery, however, it was possible to identify my demons, purge myself of the most blatant among them, make restitution for past harms wherever possible, and to replace my old destructive actions and ideas with thought patterns and behaviours more aligned to a better version of myself, to which I now aspired.
These people helped me discover, under all the rubble of my failed attempts of being someone I was not, my true values of being useful, doing no harm, making a healing, creative contribution to the world, and passing on the gifts now so freely being given me.
On a practical note, my friend Ron once said that: `If you told everybody the truth, you would no longer have to worry about the risk of exposure when they met and swapped notes´. Discerning the true from the false and electing to live the former, no matter how great the temptation to revert to the latter; these were among the first major challenges in my new life. So much on the topic of the inner imposter.
Then there were those who are now readily identifiable as imposters but who appeared thoroughly trustworthy in my youth. The teachers, priests, elder family members, politicians, philosophers, and the like who presented their version of life as the one and only truth. Rousseau’s quote above reminds me if the incredulity of the Native Americans when the first settlers offed to `buy´ their land. `Buy?´, they questioned; `how can anyone own land?´ Now, having learned from many indigenous cultures around the world, I understand what they meant. My culture taught me something quite different. `Ownership´ trumps `stewardship´ in our culture, a stance which has led us directly to the existential crisis we now face as a species.
On some of the other Big Points, our culture was reigned by imposters. The Credo of the Catholic Church I learned to paraphrase early as follows: `I believe in the one God, the only God, and everyone else’s god is wrong!´ Yes, ours is indeed an imposter culture, with grave consequences for our collective well-being.
Finally, there is the term `Imposter Syndrome´ which is currently being bandied about with great gusto in certain circles. Lady Gaga, despite her great success, in not free of the saboteur who whispers in her ear that she must indeed be a swindler and fraudster because she is not truly capable of achieving what she has achieved. The human condition dictates that we all have an array of saboteurs which, if left unchecked, will hijack us again and again, to the detriment of the quality of our lives and the lives of those closest to us.
In recovery we refer to `shortcomings´ or `old ideas´, which, as healing proceeds, are supplanted by the direction of a `Higher Power´, resident within. It is not that the old ideas disappear; the volume simply gets turned down far enough for us to hear the injunctions of the higher vibrations, and then we get to decide which voice we follow.
In the Hindu culture, reference is made to `self´ as opposed to `Self´. The latter is the `Spark of the Divine´ that resides within the essence of each one of us. Self-actualisation is the transformation from the frenzied ego-driven life of attachment and resistance to what is, to a serene life of acceptance, forgiveness, and service to humanity and all of creation. This is a life liberated from suffering, one in which we can deal with the vagaries of the human condition while remaining happy, joyous, and free.
I am currently participating in the PQ Training Programme developed and conducted by Shirzad Chamine and his team at `Positive Intelligence´, which is proving to be very helpful to those clients engaged in resolving the Imposter Syndrome.
In this programme, reference is made to `Saboteurs´ and `Sage Powers´. The programme teaches us to identify and intercept the saboteurs – the main one being the `Judge´ – , so that they no longer hijack us, to cultivate the sage powers of empathy, exploration, innovation, navigation, and activation to lead us to right action, and to learn, by means of daily training, sufficient self-command to be able to switch from saboteur to sage whenever the need arises . By means of such training, we can begin to experience peace of mind and get closer to the goal of living the life we love.
