I slept and dreamt
that life was joy.
I awoke and saw
that life was duty.
I worked — and behold,
duty was joy.
Rabindranath Tagore
So, life is somehow duty, a single, huge obligation. And there is certainly joy in life too, but it cannot be pursued, cannot be “willed into being” as joy; rather, it must arise spontaneously, and in fact, it does arise spontaneously, just as an outcome may arise: Happiness should not, must not, and can never be a goal, but only an outcome; the outcome of the fulfilment of that which in Tagore’s poem is called duty. All human striving for happiness, in this sense, is doomed to failure, as luck can only fall into one’s lap but can never be hunted down.
Viktor Frankl, “Yes to Life: In Spite of Everything”
I’ve discovered there are only two modes of the heart. We can struggle, or we can surrender. Surrender is a frightening word for some people because it might be interpreted as passivity, or timidity. Surrender means wisely accommodating ourselves to what is beyond our control. Getting old, getting sick, dying, losing what is dear to us, is beyond our control. I can either be frightened of life, mad at life – or not. I can be disappointed and still not be mad. Stopping being mad – when I can – translates, for me as being compassionate, to myself as well as to other people.
Sylvia Boorstein, “That’s Funny, You Don’t Look Buddhist”
Life is not a stroll in the park. Even though there is a defiant streak in me that continues to insist that it should indeed be so, reality keeps bringing me back to the cold realisation that things unfold simply as they do, taking no account of the specific agenda set out in my mind, and upon which this defiance resolutely insists. I can sometimes be like a child, – His Majesty, – in the highchair, having a tantrum.
Surrender gradually becomes possible when, after years of trying and failing to dictate how the show should unfold, we get sick and tired of being sick and tired. That is the window of opportunity. For many in today’s fast-paced culture it often manifests as burnout, or in some form of addictive dynamic, or as the classical mid-life crisis. When we finally see that the old way of handling things patently doesn’t work, we might find the willingness to relinquish our old ideas, put down our weapons, discard our armour, take up a different perspective, and try a different approach.
When, in that moment of sober illumination, we clearly see that the only two modes of the mind are fear and love, the choice becomes obvious. We can either continue to struggle, demanding answers to `rabbit hole questions´, which, if ever found, merely generate even more stinking thinking, more resentment, and greater confusion. We can rail against the social order, concepts, and institutions. We can continue to attempt to micro-manage each moment of our lives, and those of other people in our personal, professional, and social circles.
Or we can mentally and emotionally adjust to the fact that we can trust in the benevolent reality that, though certain things are beyond our control, we can continue to count on being given exactly the resources we need, when we need them, to successfully meet whatever challenges life may throw our way. We can grow and thrive while remaining happy, joyous, and free.
The serenity prayer often spoken in Recovery Communities comes to mind:
“God, grant me –
The serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
The courage
To change the things I can, and
The courage
To change the things I can, and
The wisdom
To know the difference.”
As Sylvia Boorstein points out: “Buddha taught that suffering is the extra pain in the mind that happens when we feel an anguished imperative to have things be different from how they are. We see it most clearly when our personal situation is painful, and we want very much for it to change. It’s the wanting very much that hurts so badly, the feeling of: “I need this desperately,” that paralyzes the mind. The “I” who wants so much, feels isolated. Alone.”
Surrender isn’t giving up. It is relinquishing a world view that is causing us great harm. In the light of “the wisdom which knows the difference”, – discernment – , it is doing our very best in the realm of what we can change, and despite, or even because of “the things we cannot change”, devoting our lives – through action -, to the purpose we choose to give it. It is accepting where we are in this moment.
It is from that place of acceptance—of acknowledging our pain, our sadness, discomfort, or disappointment with life, instead of fighting against it, — that we can decide what the next best step should be.
When we arrive at that point of surrender, we can decide to quit asking what we can expect from life and turn the question on its head.
Viktor Frankl, in his “Yes to Life: In Spite of Everything” explains: “At this point it would be helpful [to perform] a conceptual turn through 180 degrees, after which the question can no longer be “What can I expect from life?” but can now only be “What does life expect of me?” What task in life is waiting for me?”
“Living itself means nothing other than being questioned; our whole act of being is nothing more than responding to — of being responsible toward — life. With this mental standpoint nothing can scare us anymore, no future, no apparent lack of a future. Because now the present is everything as it holds the eternally new question of life for us.”
He continues: “The question life asks us, and in answering which we can realize the meaning of the present moment, does not only change from hour to hour but also changes from person to person: the question is entirely different in each moment for every individual. We can, therefore, see how the question as to the meaning of life is posed too simply, unless it is posed with complete specificity, in the concreteness of the here and now.”
On surrendering, we can then begin to give life its purpose, and devote ourselves to that purpose by engaging ourselves, moment by moment, in right action, in doing the next right thing. The word “devote” is not often heard in today’s public discourse. Webster’s Online Dictionary provides this definition: “The act of dedicating something to a cause, enterprise, or activity : the act of devotion.” My purpose is to pay forward what I have learned from others in the course of my own recovery from losing my way in life.
In a recent discussion, it became clear to me that, though I thought I had fully surrendered many times, there had been some subtle conditions attached. This form of “surrender” inevitably runs out of steam. Either I had reneged on my initial sincere decision, had succeeded in deluding myself that a true surrender had taken place, or had failed to cultivate my surrender as an on-going practice.
How can this be detected? Any time anxiety, resentment, indignation, fear, self-pity, or any forms of emotional distress manifest, we can be sure that we have once again commandeered the driver’s seat.
In the vernacular of Positive Intelligence (PQ), the Mental Fitness Framework I have been practicing in my own life and applying in my coaching activities for almost eighteen months now, we would say that anxiety, resentment, indignation, fear, self-pity, etc. are all the products of our fear-fuelled Saboteurs; the Judge, Controller, Hyper-Rational, Victim, and so on. There are ten in all, each with their own justification lies and subtle tricks.
The key to liberation from the self-defeating voices of these Saboteurs is to gain sufficient control of the mind such that we can identify and intercept them, turn down the volume of their voices, open our hearts to the possibility that every situation bears a gift and opportunity (the Sage Perspective), switch, by means of short physical-sensitive exercises (PQ-Reps) to the life-affirming, love-fuelled powers of the Sage, – Empathize, Explore, Innovate, Navigate, and Activate, – and consciously apply them.
When we have reached even a modicum of Mental Fitness, we learn to make this switch rapidly, eventually we may achieve this in real time. This is true for most of the challenges we meet, depending on their gravity. The goal here is progress, not perfection. We will, as can be seen from my own recent example, get hijacked from time to time. An enhanced level of Mental Fitness will ensure, however, that recovery times become increasingly shorter. If we persevere, we will become more resilient.
PQ Mental Fitness is a simple, practical framework. Achieving mastery requires the training of only three mental muscles: Saboteur Interceptor, Mind Command, and Sage Enhancer. The resources required to achieve mastery – the Mental Fitness Gym, – are contained in the easy-to-use PQ App which can be run on any device. It contains an array of short guided physical-sensation exercises to be practiced at various times throughout each day, longer exercised for the advanced student, video tutorials explaining the concepts of Saboteur, Sage, and Mind Command, – and the neuroscience behind them, – and a wealth of further supporting materials.
As pointed out above, it is humanly impossible to permanently remain in Sage mode. We all get hijacked sometimes, as demonstrated by my own recent experience.
At the black belt level of Sage, such as a Jedi Master, we would remain in these negative emotions for only a few seconds and then quickly recover back to feeling centred and grounded in Sage. Those seconds of negative emotion have a useful purpose, alerting us to the need to pay attention to something. This is similar to feeling the pain of the hot stove so that we remove our hand before serious damage is done.
Since none of us is at the black belt stage level, we all take longer than a few seconds to recover from a Saboteur hijacking. The question is how long? The answer depends on two things. How strong our PQ Muscle and Sage Powers are, and how weighty the challenge is.
As we build Mental Fitness, we recover faster and faster in response to increasingly tougher challenges. Picture a Jedi Master or even a tennis player like Novak Djokovic, who constantly recovers back to a centred and ready position after every blow, every mistake, every unforced error. There’s a habit of continuous and quick recovery back to centre. Depending on the extent of our Saboteur hijacking, we might take several minutes or hours or even longer to recover.
To succeed, any transformation process must comprise roughly 20% insights and 80% practice. For this reason, the thrust of the PQ Programme is practice. Full commitment from the outset is required. Wisely accommodating ourselves (surrendering) to what is beyond our control, is the prerequisite for progress. Perseverance is the fuel that keeps us going. Resilience, – ever faster recovery from setbacks, – is the reward. Happiness, in the sense of the fulfilment of our full potential in alignment with our purpose, our passions, and deeply held values, is the outcome.
My focus today is to notice when I am in negative emotions and to ask myself how quickly I can recover this time to positive emotions. And then to initiate the recovery by first doing PQ Reps and accessing perhaps the Sage Perspective or any of the five Sage Powers. And, if I fail to recover on my first attempt, not to get upset or disappointed, but simply to just keep trying until I do recover. Increasing PQ is not about ending Saboteur hijacking; it is about faster and faster recovery.
